21 | SOMETHING THAT UPSETS YOU

Something that is naturally ironic: When you are upset, you're actually down. But thinking in the light of hope and the B+ ('Be Positive') attitude, being upset means that there is no way in that state of yours but 'up'.

What upsets me most of the time is myself. I think that my 20th post is enough to explain that. 


On the other hand, I believe that I am just happy or unhappy with what I choose to think and feel.

Ah! If we could only realise that there are plenty other things out there that can outweigh sadness, we could possibly, if not easily, get ourselves together and kick a rotten day off to kingdom come.


I always tell myself: Choose to be happy. Choose to be thankful above all else.


P.S.
Another thing that upsets me:
When I let myself suffer with writer's block. 
I hope even aliens know how bad it feels, like right now.

20 | SOMETHING YOU REGRET (OR MY REGRETS)

Here's a truth:
Anyone who's been saying that he has no regrets in life is lying.

I, myself, am stitched by faith and grace countered by imperfections, regrets included.
I have them all in my being.

I regret that at times...

1. I am deeply consumed by my insecurities that stop me from going forward.
2. I have suffered for the most trivial things in life and carried unnecessary burdens with me.
3. I have failed to consider other people's feelings on the path towards my desires and end up hurting the ones I deeply love.
4. I have to say 'no' when I ought to have said 'yes' because of fear.
5. I would have to compromise just to be accepted and to belong.
6. I take things in my own way and forget that my Lord's ways are higher than mine.
7. I have to think about ways on how to please someone and put my principles at stake.
8. I let a day pass without making the ones I love feel special.
9. I would rather be misunderstood just because I am afraid to lose the one I'm arguing with.
10. I would have done my best but I did not.
11. I have chosen opportunities that equal my abilities than to ask for abilities that equal the opportunities.

12. I have to make myself believe that I am up to no good.

And the list goes on.

These are the reasons why I keep moving in life; this is why I choose to live each day-- because I have been through a lot of regrets and yet I have never lost the hope that one day, I will become someone better than the person that I am now.

19 | YOUR FAVORITE PLACE

My breathing space where music and musings live on.

Inanimate friends forever:

Four corners. 

Halogens. 

Books.

Toy cars.

Strings.

Percussions.

Outlets.

Windows.

Pillows.

Cassette player.

Dreamcatcher.

Lone lamp

Couch bed.

et cetera.

18 | YOUR FAVORITE MOMENT

I cannot have only one favorite, y'kno.
So, I'm posting two from a not-so-distant memory.

1. First ever stranded moment (thanks to Ondoy) 

The photo over there shows that I'm about to brave the floodwaters of Dapitan with my black heels on. I am rushing to get to our dormitory which is less than 500m away from St. Raymund's because I didn't want to be marooned  in UST (that time, I was actually thinking about: If I get stranded here, I have to be on the same clothes for 24 hours or so. Oh, undiezzz.). 

A weekend that was. Survival mode.

We were high and dry inside the dorm till Monday the following week. Such mole rats, we were. We didn't get enough food that we (I think there were 5 of us) actually shared a month-old canned peaches for our Sunday lunch. Convenience stores became islands away from our end, no network signal, power shutdown and all those calamity doodahs. Ah, thank God for friends, really. Roommates are your best chums in times of catastrophe. THE Ondoy experience was an unexpected team building event of the season.

2. Epic BK Experience

March 16-17, 2010. Burger King QC with Jem, Frau. and Glen

After our mini Pampanga field trip/legwork, we had to toil on our community paper. Define: CRAMMING. We stayed in BK for 24hrs (to be exact). The thing is, we had so much fun despite our lack of sleep and depleted enthusiasm.

The project was supposed to be passed in the afternoon of the 17th but we failed to beat the deadline. Sucks.

We finished the paper at 5 p.m. and had to rush it to Nitz Espana to have it printed. But here's the catch: We had to be in school at 6 p.m. for our oral interpretation finals in Retorika! Hello, hindi pa kami nakakaligo.

It was nearly 6 p.m. when we left Nitz and I really insisted to go back to my dorm for a shower. Late kung late. 

The odds were in my favor. I arrived in class dripping wet, I barely even brushed my hair. I apologized to my professor and he told me, "Hindi ka pa late." 

Really now? 

So, I took a seat and I got an SMS from one of my friends: "Nice. Wet look." So you liked it, my friend? I was actually laughing at myself at that very moment because I look like a complete idiot waiting to be called for my final oral interpretation. I was holding the Ustetika book with my forefinger bookmarked on the essay: Kontemplasyon ng Balahurang Estudyante sa Tapat ni Benavides by Karren Sena. "I'm not ready for this, but I have to give it my best shot."

The moment that I have not been waiting for came and it was my time to shine. I fortunately delivered the piece well and even made my blockmates and professor laugh. Crazy.

"Naisip ni Lord na kailangan ng konting komedya sa mundo kaya ipinanganak ako. 

And saya-saya 'di ba?"

So those were the days. And my favorite moments happened in college. How I miss!

17 | YOUR FAVORITE BIRTHDAY

Journal entries:

My favorite birthday was legal, long and imperfect.

21 October 2008

Sure you wanna know how I spent my 18th birthday.
Sure you wished me to have fun.
Sure you bet I had a very special day upon entering womanhood.
Sure I did. A little not too perfect though, but nonetheless, I had it with pixie sparks.

[...] So before the sun sets, we drove off to Boni High for my dinner celebration at Abe. I instantly found relief upon seeing everything in order in High Street-- their boutiques and stores are my anti-depressants. I really felt like every door's opening up, so inviting, so much for me. Kidding.

Pre-dinner was the most upsetting part right there. Or so I thought. First, I really felt that the Ongpauco lady's trying to kill me on my birthday with her cancer sticks. Goodness, what is she, a human smoke machine?  Second, reservation took us half an hour to settle, how's that? Well, anyhow, after quite a long wait, we finally got to our seats and ate lots of gooood foooood. I'm upset no more.

It's half past 9pm and I'm still hoping to get a laptop tonight. But, define 'very bad timing'. The stores were closed and the "Sorry, we're closed" sign kept on shoving my Happy Birthday juju till it dropped to zero. It was like a tantra alert. Ever seen an 18-year-old kid throwing tantrums?

I was thinking that it was the worst birthday of my life.

We got inside the car and we're about to go home. Start the engine, dad, and let's go. I'm not feeling any better.

And so my phone rang. FRIENDS. Some of my teammates from HS called to greet me. I talked with more than ten of them and they sounded more excited and happier than me. Cool kids, I hope they get the championship for this year. They are the best and the sweetest!

Oh, we were still in the parking area and we haven't left the place. Dad asked, "Anak, let's go to Fully Booked, get yourself a book or anything that will somehow make you feel better." Okay, so you got me dad. Frowning on the outside but smiling on the inside. So off I grabbed a book and some stuff from the bookstore. I was so happy I even forgot about the screwed-up night because I didn't get to buy my laptop tonight.

After that, it's time to go home, for real.

Thank you, Heavenly Dad for this day. It might not be the "perfect celebration", but I couldn't be thankful enough that I spent my 18th with my family. Please give this new year a blessed run-- full of hopes and lessons to be learnt.

October 22, 2008

Not my birthday anymore but celeb's not done, baby! After getting my clearance for this sem, Glen and I went to Trinoma for a pizza date! I-tie fest! But hey, where are the others? Ugh, life.

October 23, 2008

Finally bought a lappy! A Dell Inspiron. And I'm naming this thing Pyro because there were fireworks when we got out from Alabang Town Center. Wow, deep. She (Pyro) is one of the reasons why I didn't have a one-time-big-time 18th celebration. And yes, because I'm not girly enough for a debut party. And I think that would cost a lot of cheese. Oh yeah, thanks mom and dad!

On why October 2008 is my favorite birthday:
It went off the usual dinner party with the folks. My first day to legit womanhood was a test of character. And I somehow failed at it but I learned.

16 | YOUR DREAMS

Dreams are prayers I bring with me to sleep.

A brain traffic occurs when I think about my reveries. Of what I would like to be, where would I want to go and what would I want to do after five, ten, fifteen years.

And among the many dreams that I have in my heart and mind, this is one truth that I do keep:
"Many are the plans (dreams) in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." (Proverbs 19:21)

Lord knows what, Lord knows when.
Need I say more?

14 | WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH

I actually have nothing in particular. But yeah, this topic gets me thinking down my spine. (Truth is, I just got up from my 1-hour sleep before doing this and was hoping that I could dream about something, uh, more notable to say.)

Well anyways,  a lot of things make me laugh-- hearing the sound of someone who's laughing heartily can even make me laugh especially when it's a baby; a sudden injected funny memory or thought can also make me laugh. Cos I'm a freakin' Laugh-a-Lot Care Bear!

This, this is what I'm good at:

HAVING INSIDE JOKES WITH MYSELF

I find most of the things in life funny in an equally good and bad way. Or yeah, if laughter is the best medicine, as they say, I would be the least to get sick of life. Come on, humour me.

It's just a "laugh it off and let it go" process.
So, kid, when life gives you lemons, laugh at it.

There, the keys are 'laugh' and 'life'.

MEH.

13 | THIS WEEK

So this is my life in bullets:

(Cue: "When Will My Life Begin?" Tangled OST)  

Print Screen Edition :-p

*using Today Is app 

12 | WHAT'S IN YOUR BAG

(1) Monologue Sketchbook Mini-- where my doodles go (2) Nikki McClure Journal-- where my lost thoughts go
(3) Planner-- where I usually go to check on my bustles  (4) Current Read: Alain de Botton's The Architecture of Happiness-- a very special Red Tag Day gift  

(1) For writing + case (2) Favorite pouch w/ key holders-- small amount of dosh inside (3) my dearest Black/Gold Lowrider (4) bookmarks (5) black timekeeper w/ stones around the dial (6) Melanchloe, my melancholic iPod (7) Black Cherry (Sun) (8) Samsung a.k.a my DQ phone (Globe) (9) my hair fastener (10) card holder

(1) Inferno Paradiso Pink (2) Anxious No More inhalation beads-- what I sniff in troubled times 

(3) my super yellow floral brush (4) hair clip for my growing bangs (5) pepper spray in times of trouble 

(6) lubricating & rewetting drops (7) contacts (8) my lipstick stains (9) waterproof (must be!) mascara (10) solution for contacts

(11) olive hand cream (12) dental wax for temporary relief (13) black rose Anna Sui mirror

 (14) blush (15) proxy brushes (16) for a PhotoReady face   

And may you understand now why I carry mammoth bags all the time. 

THE DIARY OF AN OTHERWORLDY KID

THESE ARE BUT IDLE, IDLE DOODLES

The Afflatus: http://flavorwire.com/147177/idle-doodles-by-famous-authors 

(L) Braveheart: my HS alias (R) Things I learned lately: 1. Challenges come not to depress or get me down, but to master, grow and unfold thereby. 2. I am happy or unhappy of what I think and feel. 3. To never run from a problem-- it  will either chase me or I will run in to another just like it, although it may have a different face or name. 

(L) "People always speculate, don't let them get in the way. See, they say things they don't know." - Alicia Keys
(R) "Life is still jagged inside the dorm."

(L) NTS that lives on (R) "... and for those people who cared to care, Lord, thank you so much! They're awesome. I LOVE THEM. :-*" 

(L&R) Thoughts above heads

(L) Off to a burial riding on a bicycle (R) MIA days

(L) What happens when I'm bored: jotting down movie lines (500 Days of Summer) from memory. "It's Amanda Heller all over again."  (R) K.O.

(L) "Trials are the very food of great faith." (R) LUNES IS HAPPINESS. "Sometimes the world asks us to fight for things we do not understand and whose significance we will never discover. " - Paulo Coelho

(L) Cryptic note from our pastor (on his birthday):
Me: Happy birthday, pastor! :-) Have a blessed year ahead as you continue on being a blessing to others. It's more than just an added candle to blow.
Pastor Villanueva: Getting old, nearing death... That's candle for me. But I'll blow your candle anyway. Thanks, thanks!
(R) A sketch of my favorite Japanese pen

(L) Season of Deterioration. Written inside my favorite hospital. "They'll suck some of my blood again." (R) Note to Dear Juggernaut: "Can't you just be happy with the little things?"

(L) Note of a sick kid: "Opaline feels so alive." (R) Note to self: "And today, I'll trust You with the confidence of a man who's never known defeat"

11 | YOUR SIBLINGS

I cannot unlove them.

1. Joshua, my 17 y/o melancholic brother.

Personality: Reserved. Serious. Timid.

Our Similarities: We both enjoy listening to music and playing strings (but I admit he beats my guitar skills).

Our Difference/s: But we don't share the same genre. He's more into electro/synth-pop while I'm the folk/baroque/indie pop type. That's why we can't exchange iPods. 

Our Favorite Pastime Together: Eating popcorn on lazy days, going to the movies and lounging in coffee shops with Dad. 

2. Paolo, my  10 y/o sanguine brother.

Personality: The exact  opposite of Josh-- outgoing, flippant and bold.
Our Similarities: We get along despite our decade gap and we annoy each other in a good way. :-)) Um, and we're both artsy.
Our Difference/s: He's a picky eater! He only eats chicken and hotdogs! Or sometimes, eggs (because they came from chickens) and chicken noodles. And obviously,... I eat almost everything!
Our Favorite Pastime Together: Reading books and watching cartoons while noshing on sweets.

These kids, above all, remind me of my responsibilities as the eldest to keep on striving to set a good example before them.

10 | WHAT YOU WORE TODAY

My typical "non-dress" look | blouse. skirt. envelope bag. flats.

The Frills |
flats. wristlets. black watch. earrings. envelope bag

So, there you go. I hope you fellas also had a blessed Sunday!
Quel du! :-*

9 | YOUR BELIEFS

*"What is your cause for hope?" 

And I will speak with the presence of hope that is within me.


Somebody asked me the other day if I had become hopeless because I still don't have a job, to which I answered,
"I'm not. Hopelessness just means slamming the door in the face of God. For now, I'm doing my part of searching and praying. It will come. And it will come on time."

Hope, for countless times, has been the fuel of my being-- 

the wellspring of my faith, confidence, optimism, courage and the many other beautiful things in this life. 

Hope, they say, is one thing that you can't live without--

a weapon against this morally suicidal world. 

Hope, the idea of it, gives radiance to everything--

the reveille of every sleeping/dying soul.

I believe that God  stays true to His promises. Why? Because He says so.

"For I know the plans that I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11, my life verse)

My dear, it may seem like God has been silent on your case for such a long time now-- jobless? Helpless? Screwed up? 

Well, it might be rough and tough, but you better hang on. God may be incredibly silent on you, but it doesn't mean that He has completely forgotten about your dreams and desires.
He's there, working through every fiber of your plea. 

I believe that He has something in store for us.   

So never, never, never give up on hope.

*Looking for Alaska, John Green

8 | SAD MOMENT

That moment when you keep on finding out that everything's changing...

...and you just let them because you can't defy reality.

Tracklist (that goes with the blues):

1. Backed into the Corner •  Amy Stroup
2. Ungodly Hour • The Fray
3. Death And All His Friends  • Coldplay
4. Don't Go Away •  Oasis
5. Signal Fire • Snow Patrol
6. I Still Remember •  Bloc Party
7. If I Can't Change Your Mind • Train

P.S.
That sad moment when the happy moment fades away.
And it's gone.
For good. (For good?)

7 | HAPPY MOMENT

This year's 25th of March might be the other side of the Earth's 4th of July.
(UST Baccalaureate Mass)

That happy moment when...

(1) you and your blockmates wrote messages on everybody's uniforms. Sweetest sabotage ever.
(2) you've gotten yourself an untimely tan but you just didn't care much.
(3) you took photos with your batchmates like there's no tomorrow.
(4) you sang the night away with Jay Sean's 2012 and Katy Perry's Fireworks like a broken record.
(5) you stood up on your chair and fell from it but you didn't give a dime 'cause nobody cared about poise, kids!
(6) you forgot about dinner because the whole event was a happy meal itself.
(7) you claimed the best pyromusical event happened right on top of your face/head.
(8) you finally got out from UST's Arch of the Centuries because you can (without being cursed)!
(9) you  enjoyed yourself with the recycled water of the university fountain with your friends.
(10) you (drenched and freezing) rode in a cab past midnight, trying to clench all the memories but you obviously can't.

 "... and in that moment, I swear we were infinite."

It was a night to remember.

"Death By Encroachment"

5 | LOVE

..., we can talk about your grandeur and you'll never be overrated.

Matter of fact, I can see you married to words.
For example: life, song, affair, child, bird, triangle, match, potion, etc.
They surely owe their significance to you, don't they?
I can hear you from the lips of my lover, 

Smell you (yes, I do) through the birth and the dew of each new day.

I can catch a taste of you from mother's specialty and say, "this, this is made out of love."

I have felt you in your most human and Divinest form, this, above all else.

Then I can say, love, you have been the representation of the things experienced by my senses.
And my explanation to life.  

4 | (WHAT MADE) YOUR DAY

This is how I beat the Monday blues:

1. Starting it right watching The Silence of the Lambs and Amelia on Star Movies.

Two of the best epic films that I've watched!

2. Getting on transit and seeing an angel smile back at me. *I melted in an instant.*
She looks so pretty with her fair skin, long lashes, smiling eyes, white overalls and dark blue doll shoes. I was hoping to take the baby's picture but her mom might get hysterical or something. 

That smile felt like a warm welcome to sit beside her while she was on her mommy's lap. From time to time, she looks at me, smiles some more and twirls the strands of my hair around her fingers. I just let her because it makes me happy.


And what does Webster say about strangers? Are babies strangers also? :-) I would want to believe that they're not. 

This is when she held my bag for a long time and fell down asleep.
Would you look at that and not be moved?

3. Meeting up with my best friend Jai at MOA.
We really had an awesome time together (as usual) spilling beans and caffeine-based stories at Seattle's and Café Breton! 

4. Exchange of (same) books and bookmarks as gifts with Jai! Yes, you might find this ridiculous, giving each other same stuff, but we're doing this since forever! 

Currently reading: John Green's Looking for Alaska 

We find these Scandinavian bookmarks nice. :-)

5. Waiting for dusk to say farewell and good night.

The ladies in front of us are having a pleasant time too, I bet. 

I had a very long and tiring Monday filled with so much giddiness and thoughts about love and life. 


I hope you had a nice one too. 

3 | YOUR PARENTS

Pronounced man and wife 21 years ago and counting

Me: Daddy, do you love mommy?

Daddy: Well of course, I do!

Me: Then tell her that.

*and mom would go pa-cute*

Daddy: Love you, mommy.

Mommy: Love you, too, dad!

Well, this may sound like a five-year old kid teasing. Imagine, little Agnes. But as for me, even if I know the truth about their love for each other, I'd still want to hear their exchange of 'I love yous' over and over.

Because we're still on the wedding month...

Here's a list of why Daddy Pineda and Mommy Pineda's marriage has been successful all throughout the years (facts I also learned inside our church):

1. Christ is central

Dad met mom inside the church. Actually, they became best friends before they became a couple. Both of them became deeply in love with Christ and their ministry first before they fell for each other. It's always Christ in the midst of everything.

2. Unconditional love

They share a love that keeps no record of wrongs. Unreserved. They can only do two things: to love and to love some more despite of.

3. Respect

One regards the other highly (opinions, preferences, dispositions, etc.). 

4. Commitment

And when I say commitment, I meant one that is: permanent, faithful and cooperative.

5. Significant investment of quality and quantity time

That foto above is proof. They went somewhere to spend a day alone. Once or twice a month they would go out of town or go to spa parlors. 

6. Healthy communication

Super healthy that they never miss a day without talking over the phone eventhough they see each other everyday. Well, my dad loves doing that. And sometimes, I would hear them talking before they go to bed. Don't ask me how I do it, but I'm a ninja like that. 

7. Commitment to grow

In faith and love, for certain. Well, talk about "growing old" with each other. 

8. Effective conflict resolutions

In which, I am the witness. I don't have to elaborate on how my dad makes it up to my mom, though, but every time they would have an argument, they'll go out of the house and talk somewhere else. Some far away place that's peaceful and uninterrupted.

9. Physical intimacy 

Who doesn't need this as a couple? I mean, c'mon!

10. Fun 

...with us. Because we, kids, are fun to be with, y'know! :-) On their days-off, the 'rents would always want to go to Tagaytay, drive out of town, cinemas or just stay at home eating like it's two-thousand and twelve.

Seriously, I thank God for my parents. 

I love them so much that every night I make it a point that I'd go to their room, lie betwixt them and tell them how my day went (even if I 'm spending most of my days at home these days. Hihi. They shouldn't mind if I tell them the same things I did the other day) or give them a massage.

And before they sleep, I'll kiss them on their foreheads and whisper a prayer of again, thanks. 

Yes, I'm 20 years old and I still love doing those stuff. Why not? 

2 | YOUR FIRST LOVE

"Firsts are important," and who said that?
Like in astrology, in life, in love.
The first declaration of whatnots.
But as we come into reality, we kept them hidden and forbidden on this side of the town.
Because both of us decided not to talk about them anymore. But yes, they will never be forgotten.

There are three things that remind me of you--
no, four things that I like to recall, for the sake of:

One, the plank.
It was raining then and you were the hero of the day. You said I should cross first.
Eventually, the plank was made into a bridge. You said, we'll cross it when we get there.
But before it happens, somebody decided to burn it.

Two, your perfume. It was the wormhole of my musings that short-circuited my entire psychology. Sometimes, I can still smell you in the sea of people but it attracts me less now.

Three, that damp and dreary Friday night. The affirmation of love that broke me into tears. But your words pulled it through and eventually, the rest of the days were ours.

Four, fireworks. A spectacular display of events under the glowing sky of December. It was like unto the movies and we were happy because again, it was ours. So happy that we had to say our year-end goodbyes.

Four and a hundred more. Maybe eight and a thousand.

"Remember 8 is forever," you said that.
But, dear, nothing on earth is.