COMRADE COMEBACK

DISCLAIMER:

I was not gone for naught, for in my absence, life happened in its own scheme. Yet again. AND, I am not good at starting from where I left off, but I will have to try. So excuse me while I give you short highlights:

JULY


19

CINEMALAYA 2011: "Bahay Bata" and "Ang Babae sa Septic Tank" In photo set (Clockwise)  Ang Babae sa Septic Tank herself, Ms. Eugene Domingo; Me and Frau; ambush interviewee: JM De Guzman; Me and Glen

23

FAMILY REUNION IN TAGS: In photo set (Clockwise): Last day with Kuya Chris before he goes back to Germany; With Tita Suzzette, Mom, and Kuya Chris; With my niece, Marian; With Ate Gaye

26-27...

Going in and out of De La Salle Hospital with grammy till the first week of August.

AUGUST


02

HP 7.2 with Dad and Pao: Better late than never

08-13

CEBU DAYS/GRAMMY'S BIRTHDAY CELEB: In photo set (Clockwise): Tix for 5 pax; Takeoff sight; PAL; Touchdown Cebu!

CEBU DAYS/GRAMMY'S BIRTHDAY CELEB:
In photo set (Clockwise): Magellan's Cross; Fave Cebu resto: Casa Verde; Happy Ninja loves to eat!;
The best Fully Booked branch is in Ayala Ctr. Cebu!

CEBU DAYS/GRAMMY'S BIRTHDAY CELEB:
In photo set (Clockwise):  Danggit, Bay!; Lola's Raisin Cake. Thanks, Days Hotel!; Casa Verde's 9-inch Big Bang Burger! Watsuuuup?!; CnT Lechon!  

CEBU DAYS/GRAMMY'S BIRTHDAY CELEB:
In photo set (Clockwise): Last few hours in Cebu, off to Mactan Airport; "I'll see you soon!"; Taoist Temple (Sorry for this left-out photo); with the golden ladies (me, Tita Allane, Ate Nat; Grammy) 

CEBU DAYS/GRAMMY'S BIRTHDAY CELEB:
And of course, it is my pleasure to be my grammy's personal nurse all along!
I hope you enjoyed your 80th birthday! Love youuuu!

17

AN ANSWERED PRAYER! :-) I am officially employed.
For more details, you may ask me personally or wait for my separate blog post for this. Haha!
P.S. Somebody so dear to me gave me this book last Sunday.
I know right, it does fit. Thanks, Tita Cris! :-)

So fellas, that was indeed one thrill of a roller coaster ride! *catches breath*

And I bring all my thanks to the Lord. :-) 

This is Comrade Comeback, signing off. See you around. ;-)

2 | YOUR FIRST LOVE

"Firsts are important," and who said that?
Like in astrology, in life, in love.
The first declaration of whatnots.
But as we come into reality, we kept them hidden and forbidden on this side of the town.
Because both of us decided not to talk about them anymore. But yes, they will never be forgotten.

There are three things that remind me of you--
no, four things that I like to recall, for the sake of:

One, the plank.
It was raining then and you were the hero of the day. You said I should cross first.
Eventually, the plank was made into a bridge. You said, we'll cross it when we get there.
But before it happens, somebody decided to burn it.

Two, your perfume. It was the wormhole of my musings that short-circuited my entire psychology. Sometimes, I can still smell you in the sea of people but it attracts me less now.

Three, that damp and dreary Friday night. The affirmation of love that broke me into tears. But your words pulled it through and eventually, the rest of the days were ours.

Four, fireworks. A spectacular display of events under the glowing sky of December. It was like unto the movies and we were happy because again, it was ours. So happy that we had to say our year-end goodbyes.

Four and a hundred more. Maybe eight and a thousand.

"Remember 8 is forever," you said that.
But, dear, nothing on earth is.

1 | INTRODUCE YOURSELF

I live in this zorb of memories and metaphors. And a hoarder of both. 

It feels good as much as it feels bad to be the one who always remembers, right? 

I know it has to happen to every human, but I tend to overdo things for my amusement. 

This place is enclosed by a membrane of dreams and possibilities. 

I have seen the beauty of life in countless things from here. 

And this place defines me. 

  

No worries, love, I still have 29 days to make myself known to you. 

WHEN 30 IS MORE THAN JUST A NUMBER

Last night, K sent me this. I think she's got the feeling that I need to get back on writing. And this is the first time I will ever do such a thing. So help me God. 

Challenge accepted. 

I have to brave everything in 30. 

30 days. 30 brief accounts. 30, for the record.

1 – Introduce yourself

2 – Your first love

3 – Your parents

4 – Your day

5 – Love

6 – Your best friend

7 – A happy moment

8 – A sad moment

9 – Your beliefs

10 – What you wore today

11 – Your siblings

12 – What’s in your bag

13 – This week

14 – What makes you laugh

15 – Your first kiss

16 – Your dreams

17 – Your favorite birthday

18 – Your favorite memory

19 – Your favorite place

20 – Something you regret

21 – Something that upsets you

22 – Something that makes you feel better

23 – Something that makes you cry

24 – Something that you miss

25 – Your lover

26 – Most painful breakup

27 – Second chance

28 – Your fears

29 – Your aspirations

30 – One last moment

APRIL'S READ: NICK HORNBY'S JULIET, NAKED

A graduation gift from a v. good friend,  Frauleine. :-)

What do you do if you think you've wasted fifteen years of your life? 

This is a story of two people who have reached the end of the road after quite realising that they have spent more than a decade of their lives by the wasteland instead of wonderland and being brought together by an album of crappy songs.

Simply trying to account someone's days, wondering where they had all gone and what have been missed.

Well, for Tucker Crowe and Annie Platt, that's the rub. 

This book's one that will fit under the Pop Culture shelf. An iPod Lit to be exact. If you happen to know the background of the author, Nick Hornby, you'll probably know the themes of his works: Music. Pop Culture. Messy relationships. So this book goes with all of the contents above. 

Here are some of the notes that I've written as I was reading:

• The mystery of Tucker, his MIA years and Annie's sense of reality.
• Tucker Crowe is a monumental figure of speech till he was resurrected on Chapter 4
• The redeeming and mending power of music.
• The growing catch of how Tucker would prove his identity to someone while for how many years he's been physically detached to his fans and all that. Sadly, he had let other people speak in his behalf without him attesting or denying a single statement-- these things put him in danger.
• Funny logical conversations about someone's death with a kid.
• Annie's question of Tucker's experience sparked or challenged him to prove his existence is the same as telling your boyrfriend, "You don't love me, do you?" Just to let him prove that he loves you. A typical reverse psych. 
• Internet myths and crepes courtesy of WIKIPEDIA. Haha! This, I find funny. 
• Ways on how to get your partner out of your life and many other questionable love disasters

There's actually another main character here, Duncan (Annie's long-time partner and an obsessed Tucker Crowe freak) but I'm such a prejudice that I don't want to focus on him cos he's boring. 

Anyway, the whole plot is about the reality of things that we never want to be or happen. This is life at its complexed measure that we try to untangle. Oh yes, this is the naked truth. 

Score:    

P.S.

One of the sweetest dedications ever:

Erika,
May this book enlighten you as you have enlightened me.
May this book teach you as you have taught me.
May you love this book as you have loved me.

This may not be one of the books that I would like to give you but at least I know you want it.
And that's the point, right?
Let me give you your first Hornby book. Enjoy!

Congratulations and thank you.
Let's not end everything at PICC.
I love you!
-Frau Villanueva"

#and there goes the BIG smile on my siopao face. :-)

THE ART OF LETTING IT OUT

I came here for a need-- something that circles around my throat.
I came here for one reason and a hundred more.
I came here to tell You that I am weak.
Just to admit my weakness, You promised me strength.
Just to show you my heart opened to Your will, You promised me Your everlasting love.
Lead me, show me Thy way.
Guide my faltering steps, for without You, I'll go astray.
Show me Your hands of mercy and abound me with Your grace.

Here and always, I come as I am.

Q016

My daddy always said that if the good Lord can take the time to care for something as small as a baby sparrow nesting in a tree, then surely He could take the time to listen to a little girl in Ringgold, Georgia. So every night before I went to bed I got down my knees and begged the Lord to find me a way out of this town. And every morning, I woke up in the same old place. 

                                              Looking For Salvation at The Dairy Queen | Susan Gilmore

I think it's clear why I'm still here. This place is not done with me yet. 

IT'S A LONG WAY DOWN

Last night, I sat beside Depression.

She appears to be the same-- in smithereens, in tears telling me that she wants to end it. Plain in saying, she wants to commit suicide. Troubles have eaten up the best in her, anxieties have already blurred her senses, pain has lingered for such an unexpected stretch and the only way out is not through, but away from it.

I can see that depression is a central and inevitable fact of human existence. It is when all the faith that you have for yourself is gone leaving you weak, desolate, filled with misery, ruined, lost, broken; and when the bright and shining morning with its promise of new beginning got lost somewhere along the way.  

Time and again, welcome to Prozac Nation. 

These are some of the markers that we live in a morally suicidal world: 

The Virgin Suicides, Requiem for a Dream, Dead Poets Society, Looking For Alaska, A Long Way Down, Kurt Cobain, Jimi Hendrix, Sylvia Plath, Virginia Woolf, Anne Sexton, Ernest Hemingway and many other films, books and famous people that brought death (taking away of one's self) in real life.

I can see them everywhere. More so, suicide was personified and sat beside me.   

I remember the time I asked her to pick herself up, move on and choose to be happy, she told me,

"I can't. I can't gather myself up, I can't move, and I won't be happy enough without him, I don't even know now what to do!"


But I tell you these, my friend:

1. You say you want to die, but in reality, you just want to be saved but you just don't know how and from where else to seek for help. But Psalm 34:18 says,

"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted 

and saves those who are crushed in spirit."

You are not on your own, you are not left without an ally. The only reason why you feel that inner ache of loneliness and hopelessness is because you are looking for help in all the wrong places. No need to look anywhere but in His Word. Find refuge in God as Psalm 41:6 claims,

"God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble."

  

2. Being at your lowest point can be the best thing that can happen to you. Because now you know that the only way you can go is up. 

3. Never put your happiness, self-worth and confidence in any man. People and circumstances may disappoint you but the one Who made you and knows all of you will not.

"It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in man." (Psalm 118:8)

Do not be so needy for others, like you, they are also imperfect and prone to fall short on somebody's expectations.

4. Though we live in a morally suicidal world, God has something good for us in relief:

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." (John 16:33)

He's got it in His hands, so you need not to put the weight of the world in your shoulders.

Maybe you share the same state of affairs with my friend who has been a Walking Depression for such a long time now, I have some things for you. Things that I have learned along the way:

1. One of the most important truths that one has to know is that pain is real. For some, pain may come in moments, but for others, it has become their way of life. We cannot change the fact that trials will come and difficulties will come knocking at your door.

So just get back up when it knocks you down. Face it with all joy and account it as a fact of life.
:-)

"My brethren, count it all joy when you fall in diverse temptations."  (James 1:2)

2. Trials are tests of faith in God. They determine your attitude with every situation.

"Knowing this, that the trying of your faith brings about patience. And let patience have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." (James 1:3,4)

3. God has a purpose for every trial.
He does not bring you in pain just for the sake of it, but to bring you down on your feeble knees and make you realize that you cannot hold everything in your hands-- that man is man and God is God.
You just have to surrender and let him lead you through by believing that He will be able to deliver you, if you only place your faith in him.

"So that the tested genuineness of your faith-- more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire- may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ." (1 Peter 1: 7)

4. Trials will come, but it doesn't mean that you have to walk through it alone.

"Fear not, for I am with you; be not discouraged, 

for I am your God; I will strengthen you, 

yes, I will help you; 

yes, I will uphold you with my righteous hand." (Isaiah 41:10)

Remember the poem Footprints in the Sand?
It says,

"During your times of trial and suffering, 

when you see only one set of footprints, 

it was then that I carried you"

5. Trials will always come to an end and will carry out something good.

"Obtaining the outcome of your faith, 

the salvation of your souls." (1 Peter 1:9)

Reminder:
LIFE, EVEN IF IT GETS YOU DOWN, HOPE WILL TURN IT ALL AROUND FROM SUICIDE TO SALVATION.

LIFE AND LOVE AND ADRIATICO

The day went pretty good after a series of "reasonable delays" and stuff re: thesis at National Library, after the crazy rain-then-shine transition, after being trapped inside the serials section that smells like "dead newspapers" (Dead? Yeah!) and kiamoy. Wait, do you know what kiamoy is? If yes, then Congratulatioooons! If not, then where have you been? LOL.  Aryt, to whom this kiamoy info may concern, (Goodness I never thought I'd be talking about kiamoy here!)

Kiamoy, in Google definition:

 Dried preserved plums coated in salt, sugar, and licorice powder. Intensely salty and sweet and sour all at once. NIBBLE ONLY. DO NOT POP IN MOUTH WHOLE. The seeds are still in the plum, and the flavor is VERY intense. Great prank food. 

They are the orange ones you can see along the racks of sweet beans, peanuts, green peas and stuff in a candy store. If you've been to Aji Ichiban, then, you can see lots of kiamoys there. 


Okay, let's move on, shall we? 


Thesis Mate (Tim) and I decided to go and drink caffeine at Starbucks Adriatico before going home because we have to talk about the most vital things that took place in her life lately and how I've been wanting to tell her to ditch out her thoughts about suicide and all its friends! Yeah, too much about Plath and Palanhiuk. We talked like we haven't talked for months! LOL. But seriously, if we could just talk everyday without thinking of deadlines and school stuff, we will definitely do so. 

There we had the time to update each other of what took place yesterday especially with Tim and all I prayed for while she was recounting the story and up until now is that she finally finds her true happiness with God taking control of her life. She explained things really well an d I got the point why she's been such a cynic lately in terms of dealing with things. 


So when it was my turn to talk, I told her about a book I've been wanting to purchase since I read about its review last week. It's called The History of Love by Nicole Krauss. Thank heavens for the speedy wifi  that I got to tell her about its  summary and share my favorite quotes from the book. :-) She said she likes to have her own copy too and that made me happier. Just another kindred spirit, yes?


We left SB just a little later than the sunset and walked along the streets to Quirino. My mind was still attached with the topic about books so I suddenly blabbed:

Me: I want to "write" again. And I meant that in the sense of how these novels that I've read inspire me. Literature. Do you think if I've gone out from my comfort zone, if only I can go out to different places, I could write better? 

(Sometimes, I like asking rhetorical questions just to prove a point or fish out opinions.) 

Tim: Why of course! Your wide exposure to your surroundings define your way of writing. And of course, you just have to seek for a wider perspective. Talk about going outside yourself. You can't always ask your readers to fit in your shoes. It's the other way around, mostly. You sell books that way.

Me: I wish I'm that "exposed writer" that you're talking about. I've always wanted to write a book or something but my lack of acquaintance to the outer world bounds me. I know that's a bad reason and I don't want to be complacent about that. 

I want to write because I love writing and maybe that would be an enough reason to explain everything. 

Once upon a time, I used to write about "them". I wrote about the chronicles of their life and death, of their politics and social status, of their probities and immoralities, of their happiness and pain. But I wrote them all for the dailies, for requirement's sake, for training. I barely wrote about them with my own judgments because my job was to narrate the story as is. But as my literary inspirations grow, so is my desire to write and have my own say about these people and their lives and put them in paperbacks.

Yes, I started talking about going to the library and how I hate to be there because of the smell. 


But over and above all, it was just another Friday full of thoughts. 

I was just talking about cosmic significance and Autumn seconds ago when I opened my Tumblr and saw this in the front-liner:

You know what I mean? 

And I tell you, it is more than just a cosmic significance. I can feel Autumn.

SO SICK OF BEING SO SICK

"Kumain ka kasi ng gulay at iwasan mo ang magpuyat para hindi bumaba resistensya mo."

I would always hear those words from people everytime I get sick.

Yesterday, I was suffering from an upset stomach. I would suspect that I got it from the pizza and pasta that I ate last Monday night at Sbarro. Just so you know, I have a very weak stomach that is why, most of the time, I would always end up not eating much or avoiding lots of food just to prevent the suffering. Included in my medical history, aside from being born with a weak liver and premature, I also have amoebiasis. That is why, my mother would always check on the food I eat. 

I also have this attitude of not eating the same food that had caused the upset anymore (for the rest of my life). One concrete example is: crab. When I was younger, I got trouble after eating this crustacean that I still can remember how it was like to cringe to death because of the pain. And that was the same pain I felt yesterday morning till late afternoon that I even have to call mom from work and ask her to be home. /sigh  So, goodbye Baked Ziti and Chicago White? Call me weird. 

Yesternight, while I'm still on the cycle of throwing out and you-know-what, I am also agonizing with high fever and before going back to sleep (I just slept all day, BTW), I thank God that it went down to 38C. 

All I can see around me now are medicines of all kinds, soda crackers, lugaw, fruits and jugs of water. 

For a month, how can you be so sick twice in a row? 

Mebbe this is another thing that I wish for my birthday: that I learn how to eat healthy. Eating veggies may require lots of effort on my part ('cos I'm just used to drinking mixed veggie juice and taking vegetable supplements).

Ugh, this sick freak that I am.

SO 9-11

I have become tolerant all through these years. And on my last month of being a teenager, I can say that I still have yet to learn a lot from my mistakes:

Mistakes that I've committed and admitted.

Mistakes I've committed and not admitted.

Mistakes I've not committed but (sadly) I just admitted.

TEN TIMES THE CHALLENGE

I have not slept for the record.

I will exhaust my cramming powers for someone else's sake for the record.

I will sacrifice my study time for the record.

I will keep my cool for the record.

I will walk in the rain, rushing for the record.

I will not throw out harsh words for the record.

I will put my act together after this for the record.

I will never implant anything rude about that person for the record.

I will never think about that person for the record.

I will never, in any way, hope that the kid will eat his pride for the record.

BYE, BALLER BAND

This icancervive baller band was given to me last November by my friend, Omon. Since this is my second one, I swore to myself that I'll take good care of it and won't take it off 'til God knows when because first, it was a for-keeps token from a dear friend; and second, because this gives me hope everytime I read the words: I can survive. I know ferreal how it held on, how it hanged on with a crack for about 2 months. But then, sad to say, it had to, like, die. Baller bands are very special to me, really, that's why I nearly cried when I saw it on the floor yesterday morning while I was preppin' up!

On the side note, I can still recall how I cried over my Nike baller with the word "CONFIDENCE" etched on it. Call me weird but I really did. It was given by someone special, too. So there goes the hint.

Anyways, I just have to leave it that way rather than trying to glue back the ends together, yes?

ALIGN MY SPINE

My current state of affairs tells me to get a life.

Or may I say, a good one.

I’ve been down and out for the past few days and for the record, I’ve been dealing with the same root cause for nearly two years now. My mischief has taken its toll on the strongest (in my opinion) parts of my system, finally leaving me walking in misery with broken limbs.

And I am down on my knees now, literally praying for another chance to get back up and start anew. Tell me, how many wrongs do I have to commit before I could make it right?

C’mon, Deniece, this is the second time that you’re being reprimanded of your waywardness. I mean, aren’t you tired of wrestling with God? How deep would you like to be in the mud? Or have you chosen to stay there for good? How many times will you break the hearts of the people around you (especially your mom and dad)? What are you doing with your life?

Look at what your favourite sin (which I've chosen not to declare here) had caused you—broken trust, heavier yoke, worn-out spirit.

Shame on me.

Dad is right: “It’s hard to kick against the pricks.” And it’s even harder to be in a fight where at the starting point you already know that you’ll never win—just because it’s a match between you and The One who created you. See how foolish?

I need help. I need a lot of prayers. I need to get back to where I was two years ago. I need a new slate.

I believe it’s not yet late. I believe I can still get up. I believe that help is on the way. And I believe that everything will start with God working within me.

Under the currency of your grace, Lord, please align my spine.

Because it's Manila Day...

... we don't have to go to school.

I spent the entire day watching movies, net loitering, reading Rumi and sleeping. I love to do this sometimes-- locking myself inside the dorm, feeling too lazy to go out except when I've finally felt the need to buy food. And when I've reached the zenith of my relaxation (though the news about the killings of journalists didn't contribute to that relaxation idea),then that's the perfect time to go emo and think about things that I refrained to entertain for the best 12-15 hours of my no-school day. Thanks for calling me a masochist. Lol.

Thoughts about indifference, a recent heartbreak, sickening expectations, and attachments led me to...

my conciousness to say amen to what Rumi said:

We know separation so well because we've tasted the union. Longing becomes more poignant if in the distance you can't tell whether your friend is going away or coming back. The pushing away pulls you in.

...which led me to surrender to that given fact and fessed up:

"I miss you so much."

... which led me to find out that I'm not relaxed anymore.

I'm stressed.